I have been called an extrovert but this is not true, as I get older I am sliding more and more toward Introvert, which I think is my true nature.  I am so much more comfortable there.  But I don't want to atrophy and die, so this is the time of finding balance I guess...which I'm not good at, at all, I'm either all in or apathetic.  

I give things up rather then cut down.  I gave up smoking, drinking, high heels, haircuts and illicit drugs - which does not mean I don't take drugs, I just don't take the ones you get in trouble for.
I take the ones the doctors ask you to take..actually ask is too passive a word - I take the DRUGS doctor's INSIST I take.
  Which means right now I am  

PHAT FAT FAT - OMG I am so FAT right now, I mean, FAT....

I got FAT over the last fifteen years.  
It was a long painful process involving death, grief,  bi-polar disorder, drugs, death, life, madness, repression, fear, guilt, Graves disease, injury, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, never ending periods,  more fear, betrayal,  illness, some more fear and FINALLY  growth, understanding, forgiveness, enlightenment, love and SUCCESS.

I don't USUALLY care about being FAT, when I didn't feel the FAT, when I could get around in my usual, abundant but energetic chirpy and vivacious way, but now I am just really, truly UNCOMFORTABLE in my body. 
Its tooooooooooo heavy, too puffy, too cumbersome and too painful.  
F*ck it all, EVERYTHING, everything, yes EVERYTHING just hurts.  
I can still touch my toes
, (I tried this morning) and I can still sit in a plane seat and not have a seat belt extender, although it hurts and I can't open the tray the whole way (don't matter not going on a plane ever again) and I can fit my clothes (if they are stretchy).
  • I have wobbly chins plural -  I hate that.  
  • I have a fat puku - I hate that (although I don't know why, I've always had one). 
  • I get exhausted rolling over in bed - I really f*cking hate that.
  • It is really uncomfortable *wriggly eyebrows*

Now, people are like, well girl, lose some WEIGHT to which I meekly reply, I can't, I mean I literally CAN'T.  

I go to the doctor and watch as the scale rises and there is NOTHING I can do about it.  
At the moment.  
But I will, when they,"THE DRUGS" balance my f*cked up, dumb arse, stupid, moronic hormones.  
*woman screams*

I am 53 years old, I am a successful artist, writer, woman and DRUGS have f*cked up the past 15 years of my life, yet ironically, at the same time, they saved me.  
  • They have saved me from Jail - because I have done some truly madly deeply dark terrible things.  
  • They saved me from suicide, because man oh man when I am down, I am DOWN!!!!!
  • They saved me from insanity as they have helped me sleep for 18 years.  WHY?  Because my brain never ever wants to sleep, it simply won't shut down. 
  • They saved me from f*cking up my life even more than I have. 
So, I have been through all that crap and now I am biding my time, waiting for the moment that the hormones are a'ight and I can start a new journey.   

Where my body won't just be carrying my brain around (Shonda Rhimes)